Seeing the police right outside his home had definitely not something he was expecting when Namjoon had dropped him off. There flashing lights making him extremely nervous, had something bad happened? Obviously something bad happened if the police were there. Where were his parents, what was going on?
“Oh sweetie were so worried about you!” Seokjin’s mother said upon his arrival. Namjoon had dropped him off a block away quickly, so that the other boy could prepare himself for school as well. Namjoon had offered to let Seokjin borrow some clothing but the boy had refused. He needed to spend some time to himself, it still felt strange being next to Namjoon.
“Worried? Mother what’s going on, what happened?” Seokjin asked, turning his head to see his father walking over, looking extremely relieved.
“We thought that you had…well I mean you weren’t in your room. You didn’t let us know where you were going and we found your pills…”
He had been only gone for a night, so why the police…unless they thought.
“You thought I went to kill myself?” Seokjin asked, taking a step back to remove himself from his mother’s warm, tear ridden embrace.
“Seokjin please, what were we supposed to think since you stopped taking your pills. You’ve been staying in your room a lot and we know you asked for space but I was just so worried that you had done something terrible to yourself.”
“I’m not going to kill myself just because I stopped taking those pills. Those pills make me want to hurt myself. I thought you trusted me?” Seokjin said, not believing what he was hearing. He was gone for just a moment and they thought he was dead. They didn’t trust him…he thought that maybe they would understand but no. He wasn’t their son but a ticking time bomb in their eyes.
“Seokjin, your mother just did what she thought was right. We’re just happy that you are okay.” His father said but Seokjin wasn’t having it. They had called the police, the actual cops.
“I’m going to get dressed and I’m going to school. I would appreciate it if you two stayed out of my room and made the police go away, clearly they aren’t needed.” Seokjin said, before pushing past them.
When he got upstairs to his room, his hands were shaking so badly that the door knob rattled when he touched it. This couldn’t be happening, they…and…ugh!
Seokjin tore the clothes from his body quickly before turning on the shower, and hopping in to take a seat on the bed of the tub. The water was freezing at first but this was good. Seokjin had been doing this for years, using the changing water to calm him in waves when his anxiety was eating at him.
The cold shocked him to alertness, making his shakes worse until the heat slowly drew his body to a calming halt. Everything was going to be fine…they had found out about the pills but that didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to take them again and they couldn’t make him. He was an adult, eighteen years old. He should be in charge of his own health from now on. He could do this Seokjin thought as he stared at the water droplets slide down the sides of the tub.
School was an absolute nightmare and he never should have left the tub, Seokjin concluded as he walked through the halls of his high school. Everyone was staring at him, the news of the amber alert his mother put out spreading like wild fire in the small town. If he had gotten looks before those were nothing to the blatant gazes he was getting now. Their whispers sounded like yelling in his ears, Did he really try to kill himself…Shouldn’t he be in the hospital…didn’t you see the alert…wow…what a freak…
Seokjin tried to keep it together but they kept on staring and their eyes felt like hot spares laying across his skin. He just wanted to yell that he didn’t do it but what would he say, I was out getting high and eating fries with milkshakes? No…they wouldn’t help. He didn’t need any more attention. This wasn’t fair…he didn’t want to die…or did he…no he…he didn’t want to…right?
“E…Excuse me?” Seokjin heard someone ask. He recognized the girl from around school but he didn’t know her.
“Uh…yea what is it?” Seokjin asked, running his fingers through his hair to try to calm his nervous body. It didn’t help much except make him look a bit crazier.
“I just wanted to say that…that life is worth living and that you should try to commit suicide okay?” She said, trying to give him a pleasant smile, but honestly it made Seokjin sick. He knew her intentions were well the laughs he got from the background were enough.
“I didn’t try to kill myself!” Seokjin yelled, rushing past their eyes making a beeline for the bathroom.
The bathroom door slammed loudly against the wall as Seokjin yelled, “Get out!”
Most people did as he told aside from one familiar face.
“Seokjin, hey buddy calm down…” Namjoon said when he saw his friend. “What’s the matter? Oh…that thing with the amber alert right?” He asked which only made Seokjin feel even worse. He rushed for the sink and splashed water on his face. He needed to calm down…he felt so dizzy. Sliding down to the floor Seokjin, gripped at his hair. His lungs were on fire and his eye site was getting blurry.
“Seokjin…Jin!” Namjoon said, rushing to his new friends side. “Put your head between your knees.”
“Just do it! Come on you’re having a panic attack.”
“Oh really I….I…”
“Talking probably isn’t the best idea Jin.” Namjoon said before moving to sit behind his friend. Seokjin flinched away at first but Namjoon was patient and waited before placing his hands flat across his friends back and rubbing them back and forth. They sat like that on the wet floor that Seokjin was sure wasn’t just water for a few minutes before Seokjin finally felt his lungs start to open up.
“I thought I told you not to call me that.” Seokjin said, his voice muffled as he pushed his face against his thigh.
“Aw come on, Jin is so much easier to say and look you’re all better now.” Namjoon said, his laugh rocking Seokjin’s body a bit.
“I am not all better, everyone thinks I tried to kill myself when all I was doing was hanging out with you. You got me in trouble asshole.” Seokjin said.
“Come on, we had a really fun time before this all happened right-” Namjoon said, shaking his friend, “Right! Who cares what everyone thinks, I mean it’s not like you actually tried to kill yourself right?”
“I…yea…I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right I’m a genius and since we kind of missed that test we were supposed to be taking I have a great idea.”
“What is it?”
“We are skipping the whole day! Let’s go to the beach!” Namjoon said, getting up from his position on the floor.
Seokjin looked up from his knees and looked at Namjoon in disbelief. The boy was absolutely serious. Seokjin was no stranger to skipping class, he used to do it all the time back in middle school when they didn’t know what was fully wrong with him.
Seokjin watched Namjoon reach his hand out and Seokjin was glad to not feel so alone.